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The Approach: Why You May Not Be Getting The Girl

March 15, 2013
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You walk up to her ready to pass on a compliment and introduce yourself. You feel like she may be interested and just before you can get out your practiced pick-up line she is already shooting you down like a German anti-aircraft gunner shooting down an allied airplane. There goes your self-esteem nose diving into the Hamburg River. As your self-esteem crashes into the river of rejection it whisks you back from wherever it is you approached from as you ask yourself what happened. Chances are your approach was all wrong and probably on several levels. Was she age appropriate, was your timing correct, where did you approach her, how did you speak to her and were you trying to bullshit her? If you even hesitate answering any of these questions you’re not doing your best in your pursuit of your next partner. Throughout I’ll discuss some signs, do’s and don’ts that you should be aware of when looking to approach someone that captivates your attention.

The first thing you should do is to follow your emotions. Our bodies recognize and already sense who we’ll be attracted to before our minds even notice. I’m not talking about the girl who catches your attention briefly out of the corner of your eye at the club. I’m referencing the girl who is constantly diverting your eyes, the one who seems to capture your imagination and doesn’t let it go. That rush of energy you get when the both of you catch glances is happening because she is having the same attraction to you. It’s chemistry. Like one young lady told me, “energy flows where attention goes.” By the time you decide to approach the two of you have probably caught each other looking at one another, you probably even shared a shy smile about it too. Take advantage of this small, but very important sign; it’s like the lights on a runway for a plane on approach.

One thing to be conscious when figuring out if your approach is worthwhile is age appropriateness. It is not a good look when you’re in your late 20s or early 30s and you looking to pick up the college freshmen or the young Cub Scout looking to land a cougar. I understand that numerous relationships of a large age gap can function well enough, but a lot of times they don’t. There is something about a smaller age gap that tends to help relationships last longer. The levels of maturity are a closer match, interests are somewhat similar and social/political views tend to pair better. I for one have a personal comfort level with a five year age gap, as most people within five years of each other tend to have gone through similar personal and social experiences. There’s a plethora of information and experience a thirty-something year old would have over a twenty-something year old. Besides, if you have to go outside of that five year gap to find someone then something must be a bit off if no one within your age cohort is willing to date you.

A large part to why you may not get the chance to exchange phone numbers with the stunning young woman you’ve been silently flirting with is the setting. Where you decide to approach a woman has just as much to do with whether you’ll leave with a phone number as how you approach her does. Now there are some places that are notoriously known for getting you rejected, such as the workplace, the gym, or the club. If you’re at work and you’re trying to pick up a woman it shows a lack of determination and focus. You’re at work, you’re supposed to be working, earning a paycheck, getting money, stacking the funds to do whatever it is that you please and of course a way to support the ones you care about. You’re not supposed to be trying to pick up new phone numbers. The same goes for when she’s at work. Odds are she is doing the same thing so don’t get in the way of her cash flow or distract her from it. Another poor choice in setting is at the gym. It’s just like work, you’re supposed to be getting fit, working on yourself, making sure your body is performing at its best; the same reason she’s there. One major rule I’ll share is to never approach a woman when she is walking to or from her car it just yells creeper and puts her on defense instantly. Other places I would recommend against would be the beach and the hospital.

Now some of the best places to approach would definitely have to be semi-public places. By that I mean there has to be a reason why you’re there. My two personal favorites are the grocery store and a bookstore. You can tell a good amount of information by what is in someone’s grocery cart or what books they’re holding. Also, these places give both of you a common interest that could be used to spark up a conversation. I’m pretty sure if you show some knowledge in what’s in her cart or the book she’s about to start reading she’ll be a bit more receptive to what you have to say. Other places I would recommend to approach a girl would be coffee shops, dog parks, and school.

It has been said over and over, but timing really is the key in anything you do; ever more when it comes to approaching a woman. If you’re paying attention she’ll let you know when you should approach her, but if you’re feeling all debonair then make sure your approach is correct. Women make up their minds about a potential partner within the first minute of meeting. I would recommend against approaching her when she’s in too large of a group of friends. Sure you can look bold in the attempt, but try to limit the amount of outside influences around her when you do. Also, do not approach her while she’s on the phone, no woman likes to be interrupted in the middle of a conversation. In all, your timing has to almost be spot on and never flinch or hesitate; any sign of indecisiveness will hurt your chances. Determination is always a positive attribute.

So you’ve found yourself in tunnel vision mode as you walk towards her, your footsteps are soft like you’re walking on a cloud, and your gaze doesn’t break from hers as you make your way over. You feel some sort of pull in her direction the closer you get. The setting is right, your timing couldn’t be better as she sits with her friend at table drinking her Chai Latte. You’ve already caught her glancing over at your direction a couple of times, only breaking eye contact once you’ve caught her looking. Your nerves are ultra-sensitive as you can only seem to focus on her eyes and that faint smile playing on the corner of her lips. If you’ve gotten this far then the rest really is up to you. Now you have to speak. Speak clearly and use neutral vocabulary; do not start talking to her like she is one of your friends. Keep eye contact as much as possible, but don’t just stare at her. Make sure to introduce yourself clearly and of course ask her for her name. Anonymous conversations could be fun, but if you’re really interested you want to know her name. Finally, don’t overstay your welcome; introduce yourself start up some small talk and don’t be afraid to ask to switch contact information. If she’s interested enough she’ll definitely want to prolong the conversation, use that to set up some type of first date.

The most important thing that I can stress when approaching any woman is to keep your conversation with her 100% honest. I’m not saying to open up about your colorful past, but whatever it is that you two speak about only tell her the truth. Women have a miraculous ability at sensing bullshit; they know it from a mile out. So before you go blowing your chances with some over-stated anecdote think twice and keep it simple and truthful. Like it’s always said, actions speak louder than words; say less and do more.

I’m not promising this is a full proof “flight plan” that will get every woman to be receptive, but I’m certain this would be a bit more effective than if you tried to approach her like you’re in some T.V. show or movie. In the end it’s up to you to approach however you feel is the most effective way to your abilities. Just keep in mind that women know whether or not they’re attracted to you within the first minute of meeting you. Approach in the right way and if you’re not shot down within a minute from entering foreign air space don’t blow it and see how far the plane ride takes you.

- josue@yohipster.com - It's the simple things that are extraordinary. I enjoy good food, great music and better whiskey.

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